Da Gangstas At Da House of Moida

Script of a Play produced for the Uncle Ed. Show and www.Saltshaker.US

Scene One Shot of Kid and Lips (Script placement: on table in front of "Lips.)

Opening: Two gangsters in their office. "Kid smokes pipe, throws darts. "Lips waits by phone, working a puzzle. Two (sic) seconds after every dart is thrown, someone screams. (Half a second would be a realistic delay; two seconds will make it funnier.) Sign on wall: "Youse Picks 'Em, We Plants 'Em Soivice

Scene Two Torso shot of Lips

Lips: Kid, hold it down, will youse? I'm tryin ta woik dis woid puzzle.

Scene Three Torso shot of Kid

Kid: Sure, boss. (shrugs, and takes careful aim with the next dart. The result is a low moan.)

Scene Four Shot of kids and lips

Lips: Tanks, Kid.

(Phone rings, Kid stops throwing darts, turns to see what might develop over the phone. Smoke is breathed towards lips. ) "Youse Picks 'Em, We Plants 'Em Soivice". Lips speaking. (Lips reacts to smoke, waves it away, coughing violently.)

Woman's voice: Hi! I hope you can help me! I've got a problem!

Lips: (Perks up) Youse say youse got a problem? Dat's gut news! Tell me what kind of problem might dat be?

Woman: I've got a BIG problem.

Lips: (Nearly jumps up and down. Holds hand over phone, tells Kid "She's got a BIG problem!") To woman: We specialize in da big ones. You've done da right ting, callin me. Now let me start wid where you are. (Gets pen ready to write.)

Woman: I'm here at 19th and Crocker, Southeast corner.

Scene Five Torso shot of Lips

Lips: (Suspicious) Hey, ain't dat da Banned Parent Hoods? (Kid quickly comes to listen in on the earpiece)

Woman: Yes.

Lips: Ain't youse da comp-uTISHun? What youse doin toyin wid me?

Woman: No, Lips! I'm not toying with you! I need your help!

Lips: Help? From youse? You plant 1,000 for every one of our customers, and what do youse PAY da cops? We pays 'em ta turn da oder way, but youse gets em ta praTECK youse!

Woman: We can't handle this one ourselves. This requires a man of your talents.

Scene Six Shot of Kid and Lips

Kid: (Jerks phone away from Lips, Lips falls down on floor; sound effects of tumbling debris. Chair turns over, then table) OK, lady, level time. What you got up your sleeve? What's da pitch? (Kid is standing. As woman speaks, Lips tries to climb back up. Falls again. Finally climbs back in chair. Womans voice is so loud that Kid holds phone a foot away from his ear. )

Woman: The problem we have is standing right outside my window as we speak. He's terrorizing all our paying customers. They're all running and hiding. Those terrorists are violent men! They are extremists! They are fanatics! They are shooting our people! Our people are having to use shields to keep from getting shot!

Lips to Kid, off phone: Sounds like da Goober Gang rumblin for a turf war.

Kid to woman: What are they shooting with? An M-16? An Uzzi? A Winchester 30-30? An SKS? An AK 47? A Luger?

Woman: They're shooting with a Canon!

(Kid goes paralyzed: Lips takes phone) Lips: Now just be calm lady. Now just tell me, did you say your people are using shields to protect them from that Cannon? What are they using?

Woman: Umbrellas! Oh, it's awful! Just awful!

Lips: has gone paralyzed, Kid snaps out of it, takes over: You toyin wid us, lady? How come I don hear no boomin?

Woman: Cameras don't make any noise. What are you talking about?

(Lips and Kid look at each other at the same time, then again at the same time look at the phone, pick it up together, say together,

Lady, you telling us dis terrorist is shootin da customers wid da camera by da brand name of "canon"?

Woman: in hysterics: (Scream!) They shot another one! All this violence!

Kid to Lips (putting down phone): Lips, I think we been overestimatin' our competition.

Lips: Yeah, kid. Dere success must have somepin else to uccount for it dan dere talent.

Scene Seven Shot of abortionist, Lips, and Kid.

Abortionist in office: (Opens briefcase so camera can't see inside; Lips and Kid moan admiringly) I wanted to bring over this down payment for helping me with our problem.

Lips: In da light of dis new evidence, we tink you have a good case. (Patting the briefcase tenderly)

Scene Eight waist to head shots of the three: abortionist on left, Lips on right, Kid in middle, standing, but all unnaturally close to each other

Kid: We're ready to help, Miss Bloodybrain. What do you want us to do?

Bloodybrain: Why, stop them, of course!

Lips: Ya means, from shootin da pictures?

Bloodybrain: Why of course! They're violating our right to privacy!

Lips and Kid look at each other. Kid: You mean, in public?

Bloodybrain: Why yes! Doesn't everybody have a right to privacy, in public?

Scene Nine Waist shot of Lips alone, and briefcase

Lips: (While picking up the briefcase and testing the weight of it, enjoying the feel of it) Absolutely! (broad smile) I never thought of it before this very moment, but you have made it crystal clear. (pat on shoulder) So now why don't you tell us how youse would like us to soive youse right to dis wonderful privacy?

Scene Ten Close up, head shot

Bloodybrain: I want you to kill him, and I want you to do it slowly. (expression of wicked glee)

Scene Eleven Lips and Kid, head and shoulders

Lips and Kid, light comes on. Kid: OH, you mean with lawyers.

Scene Twelve Shot of all three, close together

Bloodybrain: Right. And I want you to start with those disgusting pictures.

Lips and Kid's mouths drop. Lips: You mean dose pictures showing off your woik?

Bloodybrain: Yes! Disgusting! Why, little CHILDREN drive by and see those terrible images!

Kid: I'd say any child old enough to drive shouldn't be troubled by a stupid PICTURE. (Lips elbows Kid, Kid doubles over.)

Lips: But Miss Bloodybrain, aren't you PROUD of youse woik?

Bloodybrain: SURE I'm proud of my work!

Lips: Then aren't you tickled pink when even youse enemies advertise for you, for free? Seems like youse gots a gut ting goin here. Youse sure you wants to break the egg that hatched da golden goose? (Kid whispers in his ear) I means, youse sure youse wants to break the goose dat got laid on da gold? (Kid whispers in his ear. Lips elbows him, Kid doubles over) Why, we're sittin dere beaming when da crowds turn out to admire our work! Why, here come da mudder totin here little 2-year-old to be the first in line to see if she can see any blood. Den dere come da baby strollers, an da old ladies, an da kids on der skates, all climbin over each udder to peer past da police lights at da body layin dere! What a glorious sight! I tell youse, dere's nuttin can make youse sleep sweet at night, dan woik well done! Ain't dat da way youse feels?

Bloodybrain: (Wickedly, condescendingly) Gentlemen, Ordinarily I would not be inclined to give away a professional secret. But I can see that in this case, I could give you all I have without losing a thing. (Kid: Aw shucks) Thank you! (Lips looks half confused, half suspicious)

Scene Thirteen Bloodybrain closeup

Gentlemen, gentlemen. Have you noticed that the police don't just look the other way, but they actually protect us?

Scene Fourteen Lips Closeup

Lips: Yih, I noticed. How do youse DO dat?

Scene Fifteen All three

Bloodybrain: We do that by NOT showing off our work. That way the public doesn't have to face it, and the police just see a nice clean brick building that looks very respectable. Why, the public is so well trained that the same people who line up their children to get a glimpse of YOUR work will cover their children's eyes from just a PICTURE of MY work, lest their precious little hearts suffer lifelong trauma from the truth about what we do!

Kid: Interesting.

Scene Sixteen Bloodybrain head and shoulders

Bloodybrain: And after that I want you to shut down that camera. The pictures of babies expose what WE are doing to everybody in general. The pictures of the customers expose WHO we are doing it for.

Very often the only reason mothers come to us is their shame for having broken the Seventh Commandment, Thou shalt not commit adultery. So to cover their shame, so that their friends won't know, their parents won't know, their pastor won't know they broke the Seventh Commandment, we help them break the Sixth Commandment, Thou shalt not kill.

You can see what a valuable service this is that we provide! And how cruel it is for those terrorists to come along and make it impossible for our customers to conceal from their loved ones what they are doing that makes them ashamed of themselves. Why, obviously, if their reason for killing is to conceal their adultery, and these terrorists publicly expose their adultery and killing both, our good customers no longer have any reason to kill! And if they don,t have a way to hide their shame, they may even stop committing adultery! And THEN we won,t have ANY BUSINESS AT ALL!

You can see what an Invasion of Privacy these fanatic extremist terrorists have committed! You can see how, of all the crimes in the world, this is surely the most terrible!

Scene Seventeen Shot of all three, further away

Lips: Den do youse wants us to pass a law against taking pictures of people who don't want dere pitures taken? (He speaks as he sits down)

Scene Eighteen Shoulder shot of Bloodybrain, but with Lips blurred at edge of foreground and Kid behind her off to the other side

Bloodybrain: Think. I know you're out of practice, but think. If you passed a law against taking pictures of people who don't want their pictures taken, never mind what news reporters would not be able to do. What would I not be allowed to do?

Kid and lips both assume a thinking posture, while there is a clock ticking sound. Bell rings, and Kid says You wouldn't be allowed to take pictures of protesters. You wouldn't be allowed to use security cameras.

Kid: So do you want us to pass a law against exposing wickedness?

Bloodybrain: Think. I know you're out of practice, but think. If you passed a law against exposing wickedness, what wouldn't I be able to do?

Kid and lips both assume a thinking posture, while there is a clock ticking sound. Bell rings. Lips says You wouldn't be allowed to call them "terrorists".

Bloodybrain: So what we need is a law that stops them from criticizing me, but still lets me criticize them. Now what would that be?

Kid and lips both assume a thinking posture, while there is a clock ticking sound. Finally Lips says I got it!

Scene Nineteen Closeup of Lips

Lips: We could pass a law against criticizing sin that GOVERNMENT protects!

Scene Twenty Closeup of Bloodybrain

Bloodybrain: (Bell rings) Congratulations! You have just won six million dollars!

Scene Twenty One All three

(Background: Ooyea, Ooyea, Ooyea, the Supreme Court is now in session)

Lips: Dats our cue. (While Kid and Lips put on judicial robes) See youse in a few.

Kid: We know just what to do! Don't worry! Your problem is solved! (judges exit)

Scene Twenty Two Table with a law brief describing this case in gangsta language, with a gavel laying on the brief. A hand picks up the gavel, then the brief. Then throws down a BB gun.

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