THE BROCKHOEFT REPORT -- Feedback Box:
Vol I, No. XIII October 1994 All Rights Reserved
NOTICE TO NEW READERS: these are chapters of a book being published, a chapter at a time, as John Brockhoeft writes them. (The book will be further revised, of course. Write to the P&A if you would like to reserve a copy from the first printing.) You are starting in the middle. John wants you to have the first chapters so you can understand where he is coming from. If you subscribe specifically to our /C/ "Pro Life Controversies" issue, your subscription will already be counted from December 1993 to December 1994, and you will be sent the back issues from Brockhoeft's beginning. But if you have subscribed to the weekly P&A, and would be interested in the back issues, just write or call, and we will send them -- free. (P&A, 137 E. Leach, Dsm IA 50315; 515/256-0637)
Dear friends,
Y'all ought to know by now that I carry eccentricity as far as a fellow can carry it without being an actual crack-pot. The leftists who read this probably think I've carried it even further.
To prove my point, I have a confession to make. I don't put my pants on the way other men do. I'm not saying my way is better, just different. Actually, though, I do believe my way is better. At least it has to be faster, easier, and more convenient. Judge for yourself.
That my habit is odd came as a startling revelation many years ago as a young Navy man. Another sailor was downplaying the significance of high-ranking commissioned officers You know, the ones with scrambled eggs on their hat visors. He said: "Hey, they put their pants on the same way we do )) one leg at a time."
I said: "Huh?"
"Yeah, that's right," he repeated, "they put their pants on the same as other men )) one leg at a time."
I kept my mouth shut, but I'd never heard this before. At first I thought it was the other sailor who was the oddball. But soon I heard it from another source. I overheard my CPO talking about the old man of the ship: "He puts his pants on the same way all men do )) one leg at a time."
Again, I remained silent. Not long after, I went home on leave for the holidays. The night before I was to return to my duty station, I stayed up late with Pa. President Richard Nixon came on the news. Pa commented: "He puts his pants on the same as other men )) one leg at a time."
That settled it. If Pa said it, it must be right. So I cried out: "Pa, Pa! How come you never told me that when I was a boy?"
"What are you talking about?" Pa replied, "I didn't even know who Richard Nixon was when you were a boy."
I said no more, but resolved to try it in the morning. It was my first and last attempt. I'll never do it again. Here's what I do: when I wake up I sit on the edge of my bed, take my pants by the waist, draw my legs back, and shoot both into my trousers at the same time.
I lay awake for awhile that night wondering: why would other men put their pants on one leg at a time? Wouldn't it be harder that way? They must do it in a standing position. If they were sitting down, it wouldn't make sense to insert one leg and then the other!"
So I got up the next morning, grabbed my dress blues and stood up to test the concept. My folks would be taking me to the airport that morning. I was flying standby at half-price, and in those days the airlines required servicemen to wear their uniforms to get the half-price fare.
The Navy's enlisted men's dress blue uniform trousers were designed before the zipper was invented; but the Navy, being long on tradition, has never changed them. So those trousers are closed up in front with fifteen buttons, but the Navy only officially recognizes thirteen of them. If you think I'm kidding, go to your phone book and look up and call the U.S. Navy recruiter in your city. Ask him: "How many buttons are on the enlisted men's dress blue uniform trousers?"
"Thirteen," he will answer. I guarantee you won't find a U.S. Navy recruiter anywhere who will say those trousers do not have thirteen buttons. We were trained in boot camp to believe those pants only had thirteen buttons. I was the only sailor in the U.S. Navy to say they really had fifteen buttons, but I waited until after boot camp to say it.
So when the recruiter tells you those pants have thirteen buttons, then say to him: "Yes, but if I come down to your office and we sit down and count those buttons together, how many will there be?"
"Fifteen," he'll admit, "but the Navy officially recognizes only thirteen of them. These are thirteen-button trousers."
So I got up that morning and tried it. In the standing position, I inserted my left leg. So far, no problem. With the left leg clothed up to my mid-thigh, I lifted my right foot and got it through the opening and a little way down the pants leg. At that point, being totally inexperienced in this procedure, and not being the most graceful, coordinated fellow, I started to lose my balance. But my right foot was stuck in the pants, so I started hop-scotching around the bedroom on one leg in an attempt to regain my equilibrium until I hopped back onto one of my kid brother's roller skates. At that point I flew against the wall, jarring loose a framed picture which then fell, konking me in the head. Mom called through the wall: "What's going on in there? Are you alright? What are you doing?"
"Just putting my pants on like all other men do," I answered, "one leg at a time."
* * * *
[Ed: Johnny has invited me to edit, and now I am going to press my luck by editing an entire page into a paragraph. He recommends I don't continue articles, making the reader skip around. He figures newspapers do that to help skimmers see all their headlines clustered, but P&A readers read the whole articles anyway. My explanation: the only reason I ever "continue" articles is because I run out of room and have to start looking for snippets of white space I haven't filled up yet. That's why articles that I continue are usually towards the end of the issue, and you have to skip to the front, 2 or 3 times, to finish it. It being the last thing I do before printing, being a somewhat frenzied time, is also why I get the page numbers wrong half the time. I'm looking for a good writer to come stay in a room we'll provide and help me get this thing better organized. Know anyone?]
Chapter 14, The Brockhoeft Report
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